Swollen, then achey, hearts

Babies on the brain. The good, the bad, the aching uterus, and the aching heart. I took my first pregnancy test - ever - on Friday. Alex's parents were in town to celebrate his 30th birthday, and it just felt like a great time to be pregnant. Something about the company of family makes me want to keep the biological vibes going. Despite some serious history of neurotic tendencies, I am not one of those who tracks my periods. When it comes, it comes. And because I've made a habit of practicing safe sex, it's never a monthly countdown to make sure that one drunken night doesn't have a lifetime impact. But Alex makes fun of me, because it's as though Aunt Flo is a surprise to me each month, even after 15 years of monthly visits. It goes something like this.

Me: Ugh. I don't feel good.
Alex: Like what?
Me: I just feel tired. And gross. And I have a headache. And my tummy hurts a bit.
Alex: I'm sorry. Why don't you take a nap?
Me: I can't. I'm too fat. None of my clothes fit. I eat too much. It's your fault. My face is ugly. It's your fault. Why should I have to nap? You nap.
Alex: Are you about to start your period?
Me: What?!?! (exasperated). Noooo. Why would you say something like that?
(time passes)
Me: Hey, I started my period by the way.
Him: Hmm. Interesting.

And because I don't track these periods, the ones that seem to surprise me each month, I don't actually know when the last one was. What I do know, is that Alex and I have been having our fair share of unprotected sex these days. And it's fun. Feels risky, but not so risky as to not do it, probably because we really do want to get pregnant sometime soon. Results from Friday's test were very clearly "Not Pregnant." Which isn't really much of a surpise. Especially because I don't think I've missed a period or anything yet. But it was still a bit of a letdown.

So the unprotected sex and hope for new life is the good. And the negative test is the bad. The aching womb is all about Logan, my favorite little man. I love being his auntie, even if we have no biological relation. I mean, I like staring at other people's babies in public, creepy I know, but there's something just so special about a best friend's baby. I love him and his furrowed brow as though we were indeed related.

And then there's the aching heart.

We received horrible news this weekend about a dear friend. She and her husband were more than 6 1/2 months along. They were the couple who got pregnant the first month they quit using birth control. She's been sick the whole time, but is a super trooper, and still works more than 40 hours per week and always puts everyone else's needs before her own. A classic sweetheart, really. And today her heart is broken. She and her husband were not able to find their baby boy's heart beat. And she wasn't feeling him move. Their worst fears proved true, and sometime today she had the tragic experience of delivering her dead child. I can't imagine the size of the hole in their heart, since even mine hurts and I haven't spent the past 28 weeks growing and nurturing that new little life. They are in my thoughts and prayers. And not just today, but for many days, weeks, months - even years - to come. Grief has not timeline, I'm afraid.

Babies. They seem like bundles of joy, but bringing them into this world has been a whole series of trials, tribulations, and tragedies for those close to me. One friend's son had an anoxic brain injury perinatally, another took more than 2 years and thousands in fertility treatments to get pregnant, another had difficulty both getting and staying pregnant. And then this. I am so appreciative of the women in my life, and feel so, so grateful that I have a community of fabulous friends, and I'm brought down to earth when their's are shaken so completely. I can't say anything to change anything for them, but I hope they know how much I love and support them.