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Saturday, August 6, 2011

Motherless Mothers

There is a Hope Edelmann book by the same name. I haven't taken the time to read it yet, but will likely need to at some point early in this pregnancy. I know for a fact they have one used copy on the shelf and Powell's with my name on it.

Yesterday, I felt like a moose kicked me in the ribs. I was still angry with Alex about the whole staying-out-late-and-not-answering-his-phone business. And I was headed out to run errands before picking up my dad and anticipating telling him the Big News. I was driving to the fabric store and I started crying hysterically, which lasted about 2.5 minutes before it turned into hyperventilating, and then a dry heave. Once the crying turns to dry heaving, I have to use every ounce of willpower in my cells to curb the emotion so I don't trigger a puke all over my own lap. I just felt so tragically alone. And sad. This kind of grief doesn't ever last long, but boy it strikes with a vengeance. It's the kind of feeling, both emotionally and even physically, that can turn my world upside down.

After a bit of pondering, I realized how alone I felt, without my mother to lean on. I guess I can't really know whether or not we would be close if she were alive today, but I imagine that we would. I also realized that I was very, very nervous about telling my dad we're pregnant. In part, I think, it is a sadness that I am telling just my dad, not my dad and my mom. And then there is the fact that one of my mom's biggest goals, if you can call it that, was to be a grandmother. And at times, it kills me to think that this is now coming to fruition, and she's not around to be a doting grammy.

But another part of the nerves comes from some fear of disapproval by my father. He advised we should wait before embarking on parenthood, become more financially secure, professionally established. And he's probably right. But I just don't think life works that way. Still, I was scared that he would think we were dumb and irresponsible. But, of course, he was perfectly kind and open and loving. That's usually how he is anyway. He voices his strong, usually wise, opinion when there is still time to make decisions, but then once the decision has been made, he's always nothing but supportive.

I'm glad the moose-kick didn't last too long. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it. And yeah, I'm still mad at Alex, but less so than I was this time yesterday. I think I feel abandoned, and that brings about all sorts of doubt about the future of our growing family. But when it comes down to it, we love each other truly and deeply, and ultimately, as The Beatles have proclaimed, that's all you need. Although a maternal grandma would be nice, too.

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