As Expected

As expected, I woke up this morning filled with regret, guilt, and self-loathing. God I'm predictable. Heartbreakingly, it's another one of those times I wish my mother was alive. When I cry, the dog looks at me with her head cocked to the side and her ears sticking straight up, and then she walks to her kennel, confused. Having too much free time for an over-active mind is a curse I didn't know of.

My dad, supportive as ever of his emotionally fragile daughter, walked me through the process of canceling my travel plans. He booked the tickets, so he cancelled them, and I now have a Southwest credit until next July. He agreed to email my aunt and uncle about not being able to attend the wedding. He would call Granny and lay the groundwork for my change of plans. But I was responsible for my brother.

I texted Lauren to let her know that: A) I'm pregnant, and B) I'm not coming to Block Island after all. She was very understanding. I texted Kathleen and Gretch to tell them I wasn't going to make the trip to New York to catch up. And then I called Brian.

"What? Nooooo. It's the only thing I've been looking forward to."

Silence. Sniffles.

"Please don't cry, Bri, I feel badly and it will make me cry, too."

More sniffles. And tears.

"It's been such a hard few weeks," sniff sniff. "Katie's fashion show, and then our friend died."

Now he's really crying. And now I feel like dog shit stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe.

"I just made dinner plans for us. Can't you just come here, and not do the other travel?"

"No, Bri, I really can't. I know it's hard to understand, and I'm sorry to be so last-minute, but I just don't feel up to it. I'm sorry."

"This is just too much to handle right now."

"Okay, well I'm sorry, I'm sad I won't get to hang out with you, and I love you."

"I have to go. I'm sooooo bummed, but I love you. I'll call you Tuesday or Wednesday."

Seriously, the conversation gave me a pit in my stomach and a choke collar around my heart. I HATE disappointing people, especially my family, especially my brother. And I'm still dwelling on it this morning, wondering why I'm letting fear win, feeling particularly lonely and daunted by several more weeks of solitude before work, and missing my mom. If she were alive, I fantasize that I would call her up, cry about it, and then hopefully hang out together and distract myself. Maybe we'd go to a Monday matinee, or go shopping.

***Alex notes a financial irony: my grandmother paid for my ticket back East to visit the family for Tim's wedding. When I decided not to go, we are taking a $440 hit for a trip I'm not taking. Huh.