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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Outlaws

Alex and I have different ideas of what role the parents will play at the time our baby arrives. I originally voted for his parents to stay 3-4 nights at our place after we come home from the hospital. We both agreed that no out of town visitors will be welcome prior to labor. It's the last few chunks of time we will ever again have as just Alex and Jo. Not that we'll never get alone time again, but we will never ever get alone time again when there is not someone else in the picture to consider, even if that creature is not in our presence. But I sure as hell don't want anyone hanging around just waiting for me to pop. It's kinda like a toaster - the bread won't cook if you just stare at it willing it to crisp more quickly.

But my girlfriends this weekend strongly recommend against hosting houseguests with a brand new baby at home. Not because of typical hostess with the mostest duties, but because they say Alex and I are going to want the house to ourselves at times, and having people, even grandparents, in the guest room, is just an added stressor to already overwhelming time. They said how much nicer it is to actually invite people over, rather than just having them around 24/7. They recommended having family stay elsewhere for the first visit. And, of course, anyone is more than welcome to stay with us once we've got our bearings. That's what a guest room is for after all.

Alex's initial reaction to this friendly advice was that it would offend his parents, to suggest they stay elsewhere during/after the birth. I mean, they did just gift us a shitload of money for a house down payment - and we've alluded to the fact we finally have a guest room. Plus, they are super excited to be new grandparents. But shouldn't we trust my new-mommy friends? It's probably wise to learn from their experiences. And they did remind me that it's far more offensive to invite first time grandparents for just 3 days than it is to suggest they stay at my dads or a hotel for at least a week to enjoy the new bundle.

Alex's apprehension and concern for his parents' feelings regarding this decision of ours annoyed me tremendously.

"When you work to squeeze a grapefruit out of your penis for 36 hours, after growing the thing inside of you for 40 weeks, then you can decide who gets to stay at your house and for how long. That's when you can consider everyone else's feelings. But right now, your only job is to consider MY feelings. I'm the one doing this thing, after all."

So no, I didn't actually say any of this. But I wanted to. And I thought about it. Instead I went up stairs, took my second long, hot shower of the day, and climbed into bed at the ripe hour of 7 p.m.

My dad is a whole different story. First of all, he lives in town. In his own house. More than 10 miles away. Second of all, he gets tired of me long before I tire of him. He's got this parental boundary to grown up children thing mastered. And not because he's god or anything, but simply because his neediness for his kids is even lower than ours for him. Weird, I know. And as far as the baby is concerned, sure, he's interested and excited. But really he's only interested and excited on behalf of Alex and me, as he is no particular vested interest in being a grandfather. He thinks of this as our crazy adventure that he'll tag along here and there, not so much as a milestone in his own personal life. Which I've grown to appreciate. Though he did offer "backup childcare" this evening ... When the baby is 1 year old.


Don't get me wrong. I love our families very much. We are so lucky to have such supportive, involved parents. But the birth of a new child, and the growth of our very own nuclear family, trumps the possibly hurt feelings of those around us. And boundaries are something we are going to have to discuss with each other and our families, as we are all embarking on a new experience adding one to the bunch.

1 comment:

  1. I second the girlfriends. Would your in-laws be less offended if you offered a package deal invitation, as in, "We'd like you to stay in a hotel when she's born, so we have a chance to get our bearings as a new family, and we'd like you to come back to see her when she's 3 months old." I understand the urge to see the baby as soon as she's born-- my whole family came across the country to do this. But now that Nora is actually fun to see, and possible to engage, I find myself wishing it was possible for them to visit now instead.

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