If We Were Both Drowning, Who Would You Save

"Mommy likes to pull sound bytes out of context like a Fox News reporter," Alex whispered in his baby voice to Francie.

Sometimes we like to communicate with one another through a third party, like the dog or the baby. As in, "Daddy doesn't like to put his stuff away so mommy trips on it." Or, "Mommy makes daddy cook and clean, even after he works all day." Or, as in this case, "Daddy said he loves the baby more than he loves mommy."

This was prompted, earlier, by a philosophical conversation about whether parents (we) love their spouses (each other) or their children (Francie) more.

I remember one time, when I was about 14 years old, my aunt and I were talking about her marriage to by mom's brother. I think there was some religious talk involved, but she said something to the effect of, "I love my husband more than my kids, because I loved him first, and that's why we had a family ... But that's not to say if the house were on fire I would save my husband before my children." At least, this is how my adolescent mind recalls the conversation. At the time, I thought to myself, "That's crap. My mom definitely loves me more than she loves my dad. And she would save me first in a fire." In hindsight, I realize that my mother likely did not love me "more" than my father, just differently. But as a kid, I thought I was the center of her universe. Like she couldn't possibly have a life outside of her love and devotion to me.

And then a few years ago, Ayelet Waldman, writer and wife of fellow writer Michael Chabon, wrote an essay including her assertion that women should elevate their marital relationships above their relationships with their children. Her (in)famous line read, "I love my husband more than I love my children." Helicopter and liberal moms alike ripped her a new asshole, some even sending her death threats. She appeared on shows like The View and Oprah, defending her position. Personally, I think she's brave to make that kind of bold statement, publicly, and I even admire her candidness. (Sidenote: I highly recommend her nonfiction book Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace, and her novel Love and Other Impossible Pursuits).

In some ways, I agree with Ms. Waldman, that the marital relationship came first, both in terms of chronology and importance, and should maybe remain so in order to keep the family dynamics intact. Our kids grow up and leave us, after all, so all we really have in the end is our spouses, so we better make damn sure they're still around and loving us come empty nest. But now that I am a mama myself, I'm not so sure I can actually put my love for my family in any sort of hierarchical order. Easiest put - I LOVE my family (caps AND italics added for emphasis, as if that doesn't go without saying), both the nuclear family that raised me, and the new and growing family that I call my own.

During Alex and my discussion on the matter, he basically said that because Francie is new and vulnerable, he loves her more. Trying to back-pedal, he tells me that when he thinks of Francie and loves on her, really, his love for me is growing even bigger.

As it turns out, I did indeed take his comment out of context. But shh, don't tell him of my admission.

So ... who do you love more ...?