SLIDER

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Tired Bones

I'm exhausted. Legitimately TIRED. Like, actually sleep-deprived.

Not in the I'm-still-in-college-and-I-just-partied-my-balls-off-and-had-to-wake-up-early-to-work-at-the-coffee-shop sort of way, but more in the my-baby-interrupts-my-sleep-cycle-every-hour kind of way. In fact, I've felt tired in a similar fashion before - it's called a trans-Atlantic red-eye. Even my organs and bones feel tired. Between my baby and my alarm, I'm a survivor of torture (melodramatic, no?). On the weekends, part of me avoids going to bed simply because I know I will be awoken every two hours, at least.

I wouldn't describe Francie as a bad sleeper, exactly, because she appears to be getting the right amount of shut-eye to grow and play and learn. It's that she's a disruptive sleeper. It's that she needs a Soothie or a boob in her mouth during the night hours. It's that she wants to be curled up next to her mama in the master bed. It's that there is just not enough room for daddy, mama, and baby in our Queen. It's that since becoming a mother I turned from a hard, solid-like-a-rock sleeper to a light-as-a-feather sleeper. It's that I have to wake up at 6 a.m. in order to nurse, deal with the dog, and get ready for work. It's that I actually need about 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep to function well, rather than 7 hours of two-hour increments.

Which brings us to our most recent parenting endeavor - we are working to improve our "nighttime parenting" skills (read: "sleep training" for attachment parents). After a handful of disagreements turned fights, a few nights sans-hubby in the guest bed, and a week of bleary-eyed caffeine-dependent work, we finally decided that we have to actually do something about the sleep situation. We reviewed our options via interweb search and perusing the parenting section at Powell's books. We discovered several approaches to handling sleep issues, many of which don't jive with me.

We talked about teaching Francie to sleep in her crib rather than in our bed (sad face).
We considered phasing out side-lying nursing (double sad face).
We briefly mentioned the impossibility of ignoring her cries (hell no).
I suggested sleeping in separate beds (Alex balked).
We realized the importance of keeping a more regular schedule and sticking to a consistent bedtime routine (bor-ing).
And we determined that our goal was for her to wake no more than one time per night for a feeding while continuing to co-sleep (compromise!).

At Powell's we treated ourselves to some parenting books - Alex got one about infant sleep by Dr. Sears, and I got "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I'm already half-way through reading my book, and for the most part Pantley's parenting philosophies are consistent with my own. I appreciate that she doesn't discuss my child like you might my dog. We aren't as much "training" her as we are improving our "nighttime parenting" skills. Pantley recognizes that all children and their families are varied and have different needs - there's no one-size-fits-all approach. I appreciate that she doesn't use scare-tactics such as "if you don't start training your baby by four months of age to sleep 12 uninterrupted hours per night then they will always sleep in your bed, forever suck on a pacifier, breastfeed at age 15 and never move out of your home." The thing I appreciate the most is that Pantley reassures her readers that the majority of babies - regardless of parenting styles - do NOT sleep for several hours on end without a peep throughout their first year (I remind myself that I once had a child who slept through the night - until I returned to work; but can I blame my baby for wanting to spend more time with her absent-during-the-day mother by sleeping beside me at night???). As someone recently said, babies are little beings with lots of need. I appreciate that Pantley incorporates "gentle ways to help your baby sleep through the night" for families who choose to breastfeed exclusively. I read one other book that required you give your child bottles for the duration of the "sleep training" regimen. I appreciate that she recommends flexibility with nap times, bedtime routines, etc. We know a couple who bolted for the door the first time their baby began to rub her sleepy eyes, whether they were in the middle of dinner, on the phone, or out with friends celebrating a birthday. We do not want to be that couple.

What I most appreciate is that Pantley doesn't advocate for teaching your baby to self-soothe by ignoring her only means of communication - crying. Proponents of cry-it-out (CIO) argue that NOT teaching your kid to self-soothe is harmful. I politely disagree - I think you can teach your child to self-soothe while simultaneously responding to her cries. Truth is, what is most important to me is not only teaching my child healthy sleep habits, but teaching her that her parents represent trust, security, and comfort. For those critical of the "indulgence" of co-sleeping - I not-so-politely disagree. I don't think there is anything indulgent about responding to a child's wants or needs. I don't think love is indulgent. Doing certain things out of "love,"  yes, but not love itself. But that's a whole different story (one that reads something like this: Yes I'd like to provide my child with everything she wants/needs, as I am able. No that does not mean I will giver her every ice cream cone she begs for or toy on her wish list. "Wanting" requires further examination - it's a parent's job to decipher what a child truly wants - is it food because s/he is hungry? is it because s/he is tired and wants energy from the sugar? is it because s/he is bored and wants the stimulation of a new toy? is it because s/he really wants attention, and asking for a material object is his/her means of getting said attention?)

I diverge. Back to the topic at hand. Sleep training. I'm not anti-CIO because I'm afraid of her tears, or some unlikely irreversible damage that a week of crying before bed might have. I just choose to prioritize her need for comfort during the night hours over my desire for uninterrupted sleep. This isn't forever. At some point she'll be inspired to sleep independently. Or I'll get closer to a breaking point and implement a more rigid approach to sleep training. Or she'll be at a more appropriate age to handle the matter with a bit of reasoning. Or maybe it'll somehow just work itself out, like things usually do. So for now, I'm riding the no-cry sleep solution wave, even if it seems too sunshine-and-butterflies-and-marshmallow-clouds to be true.

*****
One of the most interesting encounters in all of my middle-of-the-night infant sleep research was an article written about the cultural script of asking whether a baby "sleeps through the night yet." Just like when you're dating people ask when you'll get engaged; when you're finally engaged, everyone wants to know the wedding plans; once you've tied the knot, people ask about your plans for a family; when you pop out that firstborn, "When will you have another?" I ask you, is it ever enough?

*****
And as life would have it, our plans to track eating/sleeping/behavior and implement a bedtime routine have been side-swiped by a runny nose turned mild croup. That means we sidelined our attempts until she loses the barking seal cough and yoda-meets-Darth-Vadar stridorous breath sounds. My poor little Bean. And this mama has to work rather than stay home and cuddle her back to wellness :(

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