Flying Baby

After booking my first solo air travel with the Bean, I sought advice from my online gurus - what do I need to know about flying with a one-year-old?

I was recommended the following:

Don't fly too early in the morning.
Bring a stroller for walking through airport.
Bring an extra onesie for baby and extra shirt for mom.
Introduce new toys, one at a time.
Don't let baby walk/crawl in the aisle.
Consider paying for that extra seat.

Some of these pearls of wisdoms I clung to, while others I did not heed. For example, I couldn't fit an extra onesie or a backup shirt in my carry-on, and I rationalized that even if she pooped all over herself or barfed all over me, I wouldn't have room or time to change so would just have to put up with the stank until arrival.

I have my own pre-travel rituals that I rely on to keep the plane afloat. I write and re-write my list of things to bring, I pack and re-pack my bags no fewer than six times, and I check and double-check that I have more than enough sedatives to last me from here to Mars.

So yeah, I'm a nervous flyer. Add in that extra carry-on? (The Bean). And my anxiety level is near catastrophic.

But my dad gifted me his Southwest miles for my birthday so I could visit my BFF and her new baby in Denver. Can't turn down the opportunity for a girls trip, no matter how many nervous breakdowns it takes.

And now that I have survived, with only one additional forehead wrinkle and nine of ten fingernails picked down below the quick, this is my how-to guide for flying solo with a one-year-old.

HOW TO FLY WITH A BABY/TODDLER:

Book your tickets for mid-day travel. This way you won't have to wake up the baby too early, but you won't arrive too late either. And you can hope that her afternoon nap will fall some time within the flight.

A week or two before the trip, start making a list of things to bring.

Plan for at least two trips to Target, buying everything from new board books to enough snacks to feed the whole plane.

Don't obsess over checking in for your Southwest flight - it doesn't really matter, you'll never get very high in the "A" boarding section unless you pay the fee (but you're too cheap), and they let family boarding go before the "B" section.

Take half an Ativan the night before your trip. You want to help ward off those sneaky sneaky nerves. Focus on prevention.

The morning of your flight, beg your husband to let you sleep in. You want to conserve all your energy to be able to engage with (aka entertain) your baby nonstop for hours.

Drink one large cup of a highly caffeinated chai latte to maximize that energy level.

Ask your hubby or friend to drop you at the airport, and bribe them to park and help you carry your stuff inside. In times like these you'll wish you had a Sherpa.

Plan to arrive at the airport early - it will always take longer than you think. You have to check bags, verify baby's age, navigate security with a stroller, conduct a last-minute diaper change, and allow extra time for pre-boarding crawling to get baby's wiggles out.

On the ride to the airport, take one full Ativan to counteract those caffeine jitters.

Check one, shared suitcase. Check carseat.

Bring documents to verify your kid is less than two and can therefore fly free by sitting on your lap. And then tell yourself that next time you won't be so cheap and you'll buy your kid her own seat.

Get teary and have all of your separation anxiety issues surface as you say goodbye to your hubby at the entrance to security. Don't worry though, no one is looking at you, they are all checking out your cute chubby baby waving her parade wave to all passers by.

Let your restless baby crawl all around on the nasty airport floor. You bought stock in antibacterial wipes at Target anyway.

Board on time and hope no one sits next to you.

Choose your seat wisely. Start with an empty row and sit next to the window - this provides an added distraction. Choose the side of the plane on which you prefer to nurse. For example, my left boob is my good boob, so I should sit with the window just to my left. This way I'm not also unexpectedly dripping milk on the passenger in the middle seat.

When you realize the flight is full - all flights are full these days - pray for someone nice to sit next to you. This way you'll only have to apologize every minute instead of every 30 seconds.

Revel in the fact your kid is friendly - smiling, waving, and stroking your neighbor's arm muff.

Attempt to cover your lady bits with a scarf or hooter-hider, then throw modesty out that plane window because your baby wants to tell everyone else about her mama's milk anyway.

Dress in layers. Seriously. You're holding a baby inferno on your lap, and you will sweat.

Strategically plan out what toys/books to reveal when, but then realize you can't access them anyway because you don't have ANY room to move. You should have bought that extra seat after all.

Ply her with snacks. Plus, the Ativan makes you have a touch of the munchies and those sugar-laden yogurt drops are actually pretty yummy.

Keep up your enthusiasm. Remember, you are here for your baby's entertainment.

If it feels like herding cats, you're probably doing something right.

Don't bother with your own treats. You, A) can't acces them, and B) have to share everything with the baby so if it's good dark chocolate or choking-hazard candy, you're out of luck.

Set your iPhone stopwatch so you can watch the seconds countdown. This time, it's definitely about the destination.

But remember your feel-good mantra. In the words of Al, "go with the flow, don't let your baby bring you down."

And in the end, she will fall asleep in your arms, and you've made it.

Me and the Bean. She's not looking at the camera because she's obsessed with the nice older gentleman next to us. I think his furry arm muff reminds her of her daddy. Also notice I've stripped down to nearly my skivvies. That baby generates enough heat to warm a small Russian village, no joke.