Enough is Enough?

“It is not enough if you are busy. The question is, What are you busy about?” 
- Henry David Thoreau

My credit card got denied at Target the other day. I had a full basket worth of fun stuff – several cute fall outfits in size 18 and 24 months for Francie (I want her to look so cute at daycare, and her round little belly is poking out beneath all her 12-month tops, thanks to a recent growth spurt); a cool book with farm animal sounds and a magnadoodle to keep her busy in the mornings while we get ready for school/work/daycare; a gift for a friend to say thank you for a nice visit; a few long sleeve tops for me to wear to work and cover the tattoo so I don’t have to ONLY wear cardigans; and various other Target goodies (gotta love those $1 finds in the front entry – they get me every time). My credit card has never been denied before, and I was immediately suspicious that it was over the limit. In fact, I knew that it was over the $5,000 limit. So I tried my debit card instead, only mildly ashamed about the MasterCard, playing it off like it ain’t no thang. And then the debit card didn’t work either. I had just checked online, so I knew that our bank account had a sizeable amount of money (mortgage and several bills were not scheduled to be deducted for a few more days). In the end, it was in fact Target’s problem – they were having difficulties with their credit card machines. But still. My credit card was denied. This was a not-so-subtle sign that I need to get my shit together, and better balance both my checkbook and my consumer life.

I’ve recently been racking my brain for how to earn more money for less work. The American Dream. If I start my own practice, could I earn a higher hourly wage? Would I have more free time to spend with Francie, and less money spent on daycare? How much more do I need to work in order to make a car payment for a new car? How can I afford that delicious Macy’s couch I’ve been pining over?

But these don’t seem to me like the right questions to be asking myself. Sure, they make sense from a purely functional standpoint – money in versus money out. But these kinds of questions, they represent emptiness. And limitlessness. Do questions like this ever stop? When is enough enough?

If you don’t want to work too much, don’t spend the money. Plain and simple.

Or so says someone on the Internet. The same could be said about diet and exercise. It’s not just about pulling in the reins on what I’m actually buying or eating, I'd like to pull in the reins on all the wanting. And it really isn’t just about money. That’s just the most recent incarnation. It’s also about food. About hobbies. About time. Ideas. Knowledge. Adventure. Feeling good. I’ve always been hungry, a seeker, an appetite for life, that’s just part of who I am. And I’ve often hated this part of myself. I’ve always loathed my wanting. At times, I think this need for more benefits me – it helps me get the jobs I want, because I’m assertive and persevering; it has lead me to travel and to experience new places and new people, both internationally and stateside; it makes me a curious person, genuinely interested in other people’s experiences; it supports my hobbies, always looking for good ideas to update home furnishings, find new embroidery patterns, make Alex interesting “honey do” lists.

But more often than not, this sometimes-insatiable appetite of mine has gotten me in trouble. Fortunately, with age and wisdom comes increase in self control. I am much more even-keeled and less temperamental than I was in my early 20s. But still, it’s not as if that part of me has been eradicated, just long since buried under the pressures of being an adult, the responsibilities of being a professional, a wife, a mother, a homeowner. Maybe I’ve changed, or just grown up, but that’s just on the outside, in my actions. Every so often I’m aware of the fact that maybe I’m not so different on the inside. I’m just too busy or distracted to deal with that appetite of mine.

So what is it about stuff – why do we always want more of it – new, shiny things? I’d love to be the person who counts her blessings rather than keeps shopping lists. I want to nurture the part of me that can feel satisfied by rearranging the living room, rather than scouring online to find the best deal for new living room furniture. I want to nourish the part of me that yearns for adventure and new experiences with people and places, but who doesn’t have to buy anything, necessarily, to get there. I can change the habits on the outside, but I'd like to create change on the inside – to quell the want for more- more things, more junk food, more experiences – more more.

My dad once described the Camino de Santiago as a place where he cultivates the mindset of “how little do I need” rather than “how much can I get.” This resonates with me right now – hence my interest in simple living or voluntary simplicity. I want to spend September exploring this, as it relates to finances, food, time, technology, etc.

And while somewhat unrelated, I’m thinking my theme song for the next month – in my quest for simplicity – will be Royals, by Lorde.

“But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your time piece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash.
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair.”