SLIDER

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Shy Times

She stares, mouth agape, puts her fingers in her mouth, throws her head back against me, then puts her arms over her head, smiling coyly, hiding half of her face in my legs.


How is it that I may have re-produced a shy child?


Personally, I have experienced shy feelings approximately a dozen times in my whole life. Seriously. Sometimes it has been associated with feelings of shame, like the time I accidentally peed in the back of my neighbor, Renee's, car when I was 4 or so years old, and tried to explain the mess by saying I had spilled my can of Coke. I was shy around her family for some time after that. Or the time I dropped steaming hot mussels on a sexy male customer where I was waiting tables - I felt shy with my boss and coworkers, embarassed of my errors. Other times the shyness was related to starting a new life. I'm sure I felt shy when I first went off to college. Bear in mind I went to a college where I didn't know a soul, meanwhile my three BFF's all ended up living together at the same school. I was probably shy when I first went to Block Island and started a new job waitressing. Or when I studied abroad in Ireland. Or when I moved to Telluride. Or Tahoe. Or started graduate school. Or my new job. You get the point. So how is it that someone like me, someone who is relatively comfortable (though not all that energized) in social situations - talkative, assertive, gregarious - can produce a reticent, timid, reserved little Bean?


Let's start off with some definitions. In most of the psychology chatter, shyness is defined as  a tendency to feel awkward, apprehensive, uncomfortable, or tense in social scenarios, particularly in new situations or with unfamiliar people. There is often a component of fear or worry about what others might think. According to Susan Cain, author of the 2012 book aptly title Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, shyness is a fear of negative judgment.


Interestingly, shyness and introversion are often confused as synonymous. Apparently this is not the case. Introverts prefer solitary activities over social ones, while shy folks avoid social interactions because of anxiety. According to Cain, introversion is simply a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments. Per Carl Jung, founder of analytical psychology, introversion is the manifestation of reserved or solitary behavior. In other words, an introvert is someone who is more concerned with one's mental life. They might prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time, to observe situations before they participate, they are more analytical before speaking, can be overwhelmed by too much socializing, or just prefer a quieter environment.


According to these varied definitions, the Bean, so far, fits some pieces to a T and others not so much.


With regard to "shyness":

- tendency to feel awkward? doesn't seem like it, plus she seems a little young to really be described as feeling awkward

- apprehensive? true

- uncomfortable? maybe

- tense in social scenarios? doesn't seem like it

- in new situations or with unfamiliar people? definitely

- fear of negative judgment? it's unlikely that my one-and-a-half-year-old is commanded by a fear of negative judgment


And for "introversion":

- prefers solitary activities over social ones? false, she always wants attention and to be playing with someone else

- quiet, minimally stimulating environments? doesn't seem like it

- concentrates on a single activity at time? hmm, maybe, maybe not; she's been known to pretend to talk on the phone AND comb her hair

- observes situations before participating? definitely

- more analytical before speaking? she only knows about 100 words that all sound very similar, but there's no indication that she is careful with her words

- can be overwhelmed by too much socializing? I think maybe this is true, but it's not as if she breaks down crying or shuts off in stimulating environments, she just quiets down and watches; and then later, once she's more comfortable and maybe a bit tired, she hams it up like she's the lead actress

- just prefers a quieter environment? can't tell her preference, per se, but doesn't seem to mind when a lot is going on around her; she is apt to stare, mouth agape, rather than dive right in and participate


So maybe she's a shy extravert? She has always seemed socially inclined, in that she wants to watch, participate, communicate with others - but she is reticent to do so with those outside her immediate circle. I blame Alex. For her shyness and her eczema. Thanks a lot, babe. No, really, though, what's my concern with all this shyness/introversion business anyway?


I definitely did not bear a child to create a mini-Me (maybe a BFF, but not a mini-Me), or with specific hopes and expectations that she would be a certain way. By all means, I want her to be herself, to prosper from her own strengths, and to learn from her weaknesses. I guess I just never anticipated having a shy kid, because it never really crossed my mind. Because shyness just doesn't cross my mind. Until recently, I'd been saying to Alex, she's not shy, she's just an observer. So why the aversion to calling her "shy"?


The thing is, we live in a society that highly undervalues the quiet, introspective types. I, too, tend to like extraverted, boisterous, do-ers. We empower the alphas. The louder kids in a classroom get more teacher and peer attention, whether positive or negative. The squeeky wheel gets the grease. Per Cain's New York Times Op-Ed from 6/25/2011: "As a society, we prefer action to contemplation, risk-taking to heed-taking, certainty to doubt. Studies show that we rank fast and frequent talkers as more competent, likable and even smarter than slow ones."


I myself am an alpha. I like to talk just a little and then do. I thrive on change. I am quick to make decisions and don't spend much time with doubt. I've been described as having a "strong personality." I often speak without thinking. People assume that I'm self-confident and have high self esteem. I care only a little what other people think of me - it's not that I'm immune to criticism, it's that it just doesn't often occur to me what someone else might think of what I say, how I act, unless my performance is specifically under review. I like to spend time alone and consider myself somewhat introspective (although I think neurotic would be a more fitting word), but I'm comfortable socially. I certainly don't get my energy from a busy social calendar, but I've purposely worked in people-oriented helping professions, and I prefer drinking a cup of coffee and people-watching in a crowded cafe than sitting alone for hours watching the waves crash. I guess that makes me an outgoing extravert, by these definitions.


Studies indicate that extraverts have higher rates of relationship difficulties, hospital stays due to injury, and even of driving accidents. Sure, they make friends more easily, are more likely to take rewarding (and dangerous) risks, and seem more comfortable in their skin. But the introverts - a "sitter" kid - is more likely to be careful and astute, to learn by observing rather than by acting, to be more sensitive and aware of scary things, but also to ALL things. Per Cain, "Once they reach school age, many sitter children use such traits to great effect. Introverts, who tend to digest information thoroughly, stay on task, and work accurately, earn disproportionate numbers of National Merit Scholarship finalist positions and Phi Beta Kappa keys ..."


So if I'm going to raise a shy or introverted daughter, I want to be educated and prepared, to the best of my ability. I want to study up on what shyness looks like, what it means, and how best to support my reticent daughter. And being a parent, I'm eager to espouse all the good qualities about shyness and introversion that get overlooked.


In my research, the often cited strengths of shyness include being a good listener, increased sensitivity to other people's feelings and emotions, stronger proclivity for empathy, caring, and interest in how others feel.  Research shows that shy and introverted people might choose to spend their time in behind-the-scenes or passive roles such as "inventing, studying, or holding the hand of the dying." Some might take on leadership roles, though lead in a very different, quiet way - which some studies have actually shown to be more effective and efficient than a take-charge kinda gal.


Perhaps most interestingly, is that there are introvert-types in the animal kingdom, too. These are the critters who are watchful from the sidelines, sometimes called "sitters" in the Circle of Life (as opposed to "rovers"). Apparently these introverted animals favor a survival strategy akin to "look before you leap." Per Cain's Op-Ed, an evolutionary biologist conducted an experiment to illustrate this concept. He dropped metal traps into a pond of pumpkinseed sunfish. (Her words, not mine). The rover fishies investigated and were immediately caught. The sitter fishies stayed back, making it impossible for the biologist to catch them. Next, the biologist used fishing nets to catch both rover and sittter fish and brought them to a new environment, his lab. The rover fish acclimated quickly, while the sitters took five days longer to start eating in their new home. The biologist concluded that "there is no single best personality ... but rather a diversity of personalities maintained by natural selection."


Would I be proud to be the mother of a soft-spoken, loving, empathic girl? The one who comforts the bullied victim? The one who cries for the hurt bird? The one who spends time alone creating an artistic piece? The one that helps her friend process her difficult times? The one who thinks before she speaks? A Clara Barton? A Barbara Walters? A JK Rowling? A Tina Fey? Hell yeah! But I'd be equally as proud of a loud, fast-talking alpha dog, too.


One of the neatest parts about this parenting journey is thinking about and processing the things that I'VE NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF. I feel so grateful to have my world expanded and my horizons broadened and my mind blown by a little Bean who can't even speak a full sentence yet.



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A link to the original article, which I've practically plagiarized. Are their blogging rules about how I cite info and words that are not my own?!?

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/26/opinion/sunday/26shyness.html?pagewanted=all

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