Yoda, "Trying," and Conception

"Do or do not. There is no try."

Yoda might have known a thing or two, especially about attempting to grow another human. There really is no trying, you either are in the process of getting pregnant, or you aren't. Period (pun intended). The whole idea of "trying" is a really silly one. Alex and I disagree about what constitutes trying - he thinks any sex without birth control counts, but I think it's all about intentionally making a baby. But the thing about trying, is that when you are trying, but then you "do not," in the words of Yoda, then ultimately it's just a failure. No one likes failure. Which is pretty much the sum of my bad-itude.

If I remember correctly, we Pulled the Goalie, so to speak, back in April or May. What I remember is that Alex's brother, Brian, was in town, and it happened to be National Siblings Day. We thought it a fitting time to work toward providing the Bean with her very own sibling. Not that Uncle Brian was around for that part, mind you. So we've been prophylactic-less for several months now, but still no sign of our cute little cells growing into a cuter little baby. And I'm bummed about it. I was hoping, fingers and toes crossed, for an anniversary weekend baby. I suppose, scientifically, there is still a chance. But my skin is breaking out, I feel fat and crabby, and I've taken two (negative) pregnancy tests, so I'm anticipating Aunt Flo's arrival along with that of Stacy and Vivi tomorrow.

The thing is, I'm not even sure I'm ovulating. Stac sent me a Costco-sized pack of ovulation predictor tests, of which I started utilizing after my last period. I used them nightly for several days, peeing in one of the coffee mugs I have to remind myself daily not to use, without a positive indicator. I did not, however, bother to pack the tests for our weekend away to Friday Harbor, assuming anniversary fertility. But alas, no Baby Goose yet. Patience, not my virtue.

These are a few of the Debbie Downer things I think to myself when I realize I'm not pregnant again this month ...

"Maybe I'm not pregnant because god knows I don't want a child with special needs. And if I'm not open to having any kind of kid, I get no kid at all."

"If I had been ready for #2 sooner, we'd probably be pregnant or even have another baby by now. I'm being punished because I didn't want my kids two years apart, like Alex and the rest of the world does. I'm being punished for not being ready earlier."

"Maybe I'm not pregnant because I already got the best kid. Seriously, like, better than any other kid, even my friends' kids."

"If I'm not pregnant ASAP, our kids won't even be in high school together. So what's the point of even having a second kid?"

"I knew I'd have secondary infertility. Although maybe it's better than a miscarriage at this stage. But I'll probably get both."

Wah-wah.

In writing this, I'm noticing a trend - this vague idea that I'm being punished. The interesting thing about my brand of atheism is that while I don't believe in God, or even in lowercase-G god, it appears that I do believe that the god I don't believe in is punishing me for not believing. How's that for non-Catholic guilt?!?