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Saturday, April 4, 2015

Toddlers & Tantrums




Last night, in the throes of a nightly pre-bed tantrum ritual, my Bean piercingly cry-screamed, "BUT I DO WANT A CALM-MY-BODY STICKER!" You can't make this stuff up. Oh, the dramatic irony. On the plus side, the comment made her daddy and me laugh, when usually we are trying our damnedest to manage our own physiological stress responses to the Bean's extreme emotional dysregulation.

For example, there was this tantrum from a week ago at bedtime. Her outbursts are typically comprised of "I waaaaaaaants," and "noooooooo's," and eventually mellow out into a sad little love sesh, as implied at the end of the video:




I first started a post about tantrums more than 9 months ago, when the Bean was an actual toddler. She has since grown from the proverbial "terrible two" into a full-blown "threenager," and the tantrums have only increased in both intensity and frequency. If my memory serves, her meltdowns reached "tantrum" classification a few months following her second birthday. I explicitly recall a trip to the Safeway in Kings Beach (Tahoe) to quickly buy concentrated chai tea mix, when she wanted to play with something in one of the aisles, and - how dare I - continued to our intended destination rather than stop and play, where she then screamed in my face, hit me, and decomposed into a slobbery mess, leaving me embarrassed in her wake. I first felt inspired to write something then. My initial post was all, "if you think other people are staring at you when your child melts down, they are; I like to watch the drama unfold from the corner of my eye, not because I'm judging the caregiver, but because I'm looking for wisdom in others' actions, hoping for tips and tricks to try to better manage my own offspring." Flash forward nearly a year and I feel only older but not wiser.

Just the other day our next-door neighbor, who is about 20 weeks pregnant with her first baby, said, "I heard Francie the other night. Was everything okay?" I racked my brain, scanning the Rolodex of the last several nights, nothing in particular standing out. "Oh, no, that's just what evenings and bedtimes sound like at our house these days. When someone is tired, the last thing she wants to do is sleep. She'd rather muster all her remaining energy to erupt in our faces like a tiny Mt. St. Helens."

According to Wiki, a temper tantrum is defined as "an emotional outbreak ... typically characterized by stubborness, crying, screaming, defiance, angry ranting, a resistance to attempts at pacification, and in some cases, hitting." According to the Mayo Clinic, temper tantrums "are a totally normal part of growing up." They are related to frustration and an inability to either understand or express feelings. According to my personal favorite pediatrician, Dr. Sears, some children are more prone to thrown tantrums than others. Children who might be described as sensitive, persistent, determined, high maintenance, creative, and strong-willed. He says that these kiddos have a harder time "achieving equilibrium, an inner emotional balance that helps people bounce back from life's many setbacks and regain composure." Dr. Sears goes on to explain, much to my comfort, that the very traits that make these nuggets more prone to tantrums can also be very beneficial to intellectual and social development, but that the parents' job is to channel these energies into happier endings.

Cognitively, I know tantrums are no big deal. That they don't necessarily signal any kind of pathology. I'd even consider myself a decently calm, cool, and collected parent when the Bean throws down in public. No, I don't always do the "right" thing, in that my inclination is to "fix" the problem, that I am probably too verbal when trying to comfort her, and sometimes I sharply tell her "pull yourself together" and give her a tight hug.

The other week, for example, the Bean had a gale-force tantrum at the Athleta store downtown. From zero to 60 in less than two seconds. I'm not even sure what spurred it all - the red-faced screaming, laying on the floor with her back arched, legs kicking in the air and heels smashing into the wooden floor. I first tried to comfort her, to ask what was wrong. Then I tried to draw her attention to the fact that we were in public, in a store with other people who probably weren't interested in hearing her primal screams. I tried to pick her up, but her posturing made her feel 75+ pounds and like a slippery eel. I was eventually able to scoop her up and deliver her to Alex to bring her outside for some fresh air. But the screaming continued. I could still hear her from the checkout line. My blood pressure was through the roof, my pulse accelerated, and I felt like maybe I needed a nap too. Intellectually, I kept my shit together. But physiologically, my body kept the score, at least for a minute.

Family lore says that I threw tantrums well into my double-digits (the Hubs might argue that I threw temper tantrums until I started Zoloft). Alex, too, while not prone to the tantrums of toddlers, has his fair share of emotional dysregulation. As adults, we might get called "hot-headed," or "passionate," or in possession of "a strong personality." But these are not necessarily personality traits we like to see in our otherwise sweet little Bean. So technically, tantrums are a totally normal part of development. It's just a matter of frequency, duration, age, behavior, and recovery. We are keeping our fingers crossed that these outbursts are nothing more or less than any other toddler/preschooler out there, and that our feelings about our own emotional control issues shadow our perception of the Bean's current behaviors.

To her credit, the Bean has some pretty decent developing "calm your body" skills that, when primed, she can pull out of the hat and recover in no time. These include deep breaths, "taking a lap" (walking the loop through our kitchen), asking for help or hugs, alone time in her bed, and saying "I feel angry/frustrated" or "I need attention!"

Experts say that eliminating tantrums is unlikely, but there are some strategies for prevention:
- Food, water, potty, and sleep: make sure these things have been attended to
- Consistency: kids, like all people, thrive on routine and when they know what to expect; also, when setting limits/boundaries, it's important to employ them uniformly
- Encourage talking: "words before action;" kiddos understand far more than they are able to express, so it's our job to help put feelings to words
- Distract: also known as "redirect," try a new activity, change locations, or anything else that helps shift gear (snacks, singing together, and looking at pictures nearly always works at my house)
- Offer choices: help provide a sense of control with appropriate choices, "Would you like to eat an apple or banana?" "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?"
- Plan ahead/Avoid: think about places, people, and situations that are known to trigger tantrums; as in, steer clear of the candy aisle at the grocery store, don't walk past the dog unless you have time to pet him, bring the stroller to the zoo, come with snacks, etc.
- Praise: use your energies and your efforts to reinforce the positive rather than the negative behaviors; compliment freely when sharing, following directions, being patient, making a good choice

And, my personal touch, when all else fails make a sticker chart. The behaviorist in me is all about using positive reinforcement to shape behavior. Although I fear she will learn to be only extrinsically motivated, in addition to stickers (or marbles or pennies) we always talk about how it feels. How does your body feel after you took those big breaths? How did your body feel when you took a lap? How did your mind feel when you were really upset and crying and screaming? Doesn't it feel nice to practice calming our bodies? Don't we feel better when we get to say what we really mean rather than just melting down?!?






Other tantrum videos I've collected over the year ...

Baby tiger? Or, my daughter, throwing a fit at the PDX airport ...




Overtired at bedtime on vacation ...




 Being told "no" at the coffee shop ...



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