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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Lucky in Love/Couple's Counseling

I've been taking a mindfulness/meditation class my friend is teaching on Mondays for the last several weeks. Rather than drive home from working in Vancouver and back to NW Portland, I take a couple of hours to myself between work and class. I've been fortunate that the weather has been consistently dry on Monday's, so I have been walking/hiking/running in Forest Park. It is just the solo outdoor time I've been needing in my week. This Monday I forgot my sports bra so simply walked the 5 miles of trail. I saw many runners, and several mountain bikers. Each guy on a bike who passed, admittedly, I checked out. I have a thing for active mountain men, after all. A few were cute enough, but I caught myself comparing them to my husband. "His leg tattoos are kind of sexy, but I like Alex's better." "He has a beard. Alex grows a better beard." "That guy seems like a badass. Alex is seriously a badass. I bet Alex is faster." Then I got lost in thought about what a catch my husband truly is (and how I'm not sure why I got so lucky to convince him to fall in love with and marry me).

Even though I didn't know him then, I feel a sense of pride that he was a D1 athlete. I like that he played soccer at Oregon State, and it does indeed earn him some clout in certain circles. I was marveling the other day at what a natural athlete he is. Sometimes I find it annoying, because everything I can do he can do better. Skiing, hiking, biking, even running, there's no competition there. (Remember that time I trained hard and ran my second-best half-marathon time? And Alex ran the Vancouver Half, too, but without training? And I finished before him, oh-so-pleased with myself? And then we got home to check our actual times, and HE BEAT ME BY 20 SECONDS?!?! I just crossed the finish line before him, because he was peeing or taking a pre-run dump or drinking coffee or something casual).

Even when we got the slackline a couple years ago, I started out a little more stable and successful, but in just a week's time he was walking back and forth without a stick to balance and could even stop a fall. I imagine I might be better at yoga than him, but only because my limbs are proportionately longer. His dad often comments about how much he likes to watch Alex ski, about how comfortable and graceful and easy he makes it look. I don't necessarily notice those kinds of things, but I see what he means. He does make it look easy. Even bike commuting, he just decided one day in Eugene that if he couldn't live in the mountains and mountain bike everyday, then he should learn to love riding on the road. So he did. And without all the talk and the gear that often makes enthusiasts annoying. He biked nearly everyday to Southridge, which was only 5 or 6 miles each way. But even when he transferred to West Linn, he still bikes a few days each week, some 13 miles each way. In the dark. So yeah, I think he's kind of a sexy athlete badass.

But then he goes and shows me how smart and well-read and perceptive he is, too. He talks to my friend's parents all about Ken Kesey. And then carries on a political/financial conversation with his brother and dad. And understands current socio-emotional issues and goes out of his way to advocate for his students. And then there's his charm. All my friends love him. Seriously. I think some of them like him more than me. And his ability to easily get along with anyone anywhere. And his sense of humor. And supreme parenting. I could go on. But I might barf on myself if I do. Too much praise all on one page. Sure, his nose is crooked. He spends all his money beer-making supplies. And he NEVER puts his shoes away. But bitch please, small potatoes.

Yet here we find ourselves, an upcoming appointment for couples counseling. I feel a bubbling sense of shame just at writing that. And certainly at the knowledge that at least a few others will read that admission. I'll freely discuss my near-lifetime involvement in individual therapy, but there's something about confessing participation in therapy as a couple/family that feels more vulnerable. So there you have it, my "truth" for the day.

When I sheepishly admitted this to a few friends/acquaintances at a 2nd birthday party the other day, I was surprised that each of them had also participated in therapy with their respective partners. They sang the praises of just a few sessions, to help them get through hard times, and were encouraging for our endeavor.

Me, well, I'm just anxious as can be about it. I told Alex this weekend that I wanted to cancel the appointment, to save the money, and to my surprise he said he wanted to go. That he had things he wanted to talk about and thought it was a good idea. While I appreciate his openness to accepting professional mediation, his interest only heightens my sense of anxiety. What if he tells me things I don't want to hear? What if I say something I can't take back? What if it's all bad? What if it's all good? What if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore? What if we decide to continue this attempt to grow our family? What if we decide not to? I am indeed the one who initiated the idea for couples counseling, sought out a provider, and made the appointment - for us to address issues related to not/having more kids and in/fertility - and here I am the one trying to bail last minute.

I'm not sure if and how much I'll be sharing about this process on here. As tell-all as I often come off, both at the expense of my husband and myself, I tend toward over-sharing what I consider funny things. And all this family planning business doesn't feel so funny right now. At least, not yet. I'm sure we'll try to find the humor in it all (defense mechanism anyone?), but it might take a bit of distance. And a resolution. Definitely, a resolution. And if my future-hypothetical-second-kid ever comes across this mess of words on a page, and feels unwanted or unloved, I promise to pay for your therapy, too. You have my word. A public declaration. In writing.

1 comment:

  1. Totally understand! Josh and I recently went to couple's counseling (a total of 4 appointments). There was a situation that we didn't agree about how to deal with it and we kept having the same argument over it, so we finally decided that we just needed an impartial third party to help us sort it out. Totally scary to admit that counseling might help! I was super anxious before our first appointment but am SO glad we went! After our last appointment, the counselor told us "You guys are kind of a statistical anomaly in my line of work. You clearly love each other and have a great marriage." lol Better to go NOW, when it's preventative care, then later when you become just another statistic. Right? Good for you guys! I hope you enjoy it. You both will be better for it and Francine will reap the benefits of having parents with an awesome marriage who aren't afraid to do the work to keep it awesome.

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