Thursday, June 23, 2016

(52 Months) - 4 Years + 4 Months

Since she's been telling everyone she's  "four and a quarter," Mimi taught her that now, if she wants to be mathematically correct, she's actually "four and a third"!

Alex: you could write books when you're bigger. 
F: or I could be a police officer. Or an ambulance driver. 

Laying on her back in the bath, kinda shouting, her ears under the water: "mama, I can hear the sea really good. I mean, the ocean!"

"Dark purple is my favorite color. Not light purple because it doesn't have much color. Dark purple has much color."


Kristoff and "Spen"

Leaving a pit stop in border town en route from Central Oregon to Tahoe. 
"Let's hit the jack, road!!"

"Mommy, I think I have Reynauds like you!" She says excitedly about being cold. 

"I squeezed your cheek like a meatball."

"Let's pretend you're my real mama and you didn't even know I'm asleep and you tickle me."

Regarding her poop: "mama there a tiiiiny little stump and a huge log."

"Daddy can you tell me the name of all the planets?"

Looking at my undies in the bathroom, after I'd been on my period: "No blood. Good job. You won! Winner winner chicken dinner."

"I don't think I'm gonna eat much dinner because I'm just gonna think about dessert."

"Cover me up please."
I cover her.
"I threw a please in there."

"Water's not boring.  And I know everything."

Alex and I leave for a date 
Me: take good care of Beebee. 
F: I will. I won't let him die without you. 

"Daddy, I reeeeeally like honey."

Waiting to take off from Chicago to Detroit: "I'm literally ready."

After pooping ...
F: mama, you made my undies go like this to show people my 'gina.
Me: oops! We don't want people to see your 'gima. 
F: we want them to see my face!

"If they get a railroad in our street I'll name it Elsa."

On the ferry in the UP headed to Mackinaw Island: "sometimes I get confused because there's a ferry/fairy that flies."

Regarding crossing a street (more or less by herself):
"Daddy, sometimes when I get to the road I get nervous."

On mackinaw island we went to the bathroom together and I had to poop. I whispered to her, because we were in a public restroom, "I'm gonna poop."
She whispered back, "okay, inwontbtell anyone. Except daddy."
"You don't even need to tell daddy."
"He should know."
Later Alex tells me ...
That Francine did indeed whisper to him that I popped today. Alex responded and asked if he could tell me that she said that. 
"I think she already knows," Francine said. 

Riding in the car for a long trip, I make a kissy face at her and tell her to take a nap. In a high pitched voice like she's talking to a baby, she says, "I like your tiny butthole."

Still working on her lefts vs rights, and I think we finally came up with the solution - "lefty loosy rightie tightie "
(The left hand is 'loose' because she can't hold a crayon as well, and the right is 'tightie' because that's her good writing hand).

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Summer Routine #fail

I tried that waking up before my kid thing this morning. I thought that would be a good summer habit, with Alex home and no god-awful-early 5 am mornings. To meditate or write or even just catch up on emails or bills. Or maybe for exercise. But the Bean wasn't having it. 

"I wanna go do work with you."
"I wanna meditate with you."
"Can I watch a show?"

I lay in bed with her and do a few things on my phone. But that feels mindless and less efficient and just like I'm ignoring my daughter. 

"Are you sure you don't want to just go and lay in bed with daddy? I was trying to get up before you guys you know."

"Well I just hear feet walking through and then I wake up."

Instead input down my phone, and stare at my Bean's perfect skin and her sweet full lips in the soft morning light. And then we lay "tummy to tummy," and she tells me I have soft skin and "spots" in my belly button (from where it was once pierced). 

Mornings can be for Me Time. But they can also be for sweet Mama Time cuddles and breakfast before Daddy wakes up. Well get down some kind of new routine sometime before summer is over. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

(Camino) - Missing It

While I was in Spain, I wouldnt have anticipated just how much I might miss the Camino upon returning home. I don't miss the albergues or "pilgrim menus" or being separated by a continent + ocean from my family, but I really miss the walking. Like, really, really miss it. I've never felt so capable in a simple, biological, back-to-our-roots sort of way. Thankful for the work my body was doing. For the freedom for my mind to wander. For the mindful awareness of flower colors or coffee taste or body tiredness or cloud shapes or cow shit smells. Well alright, I definitely don't miss the bovine odors. 

I've been home now for a solid three days, having stopped walking six days ago. I have been so enjoying these unscheduled early summer days with my Hubs and Bean. Enjoying my own bed. My own shower. The comfort of my giant sectional couch and falling asleep on Alex's lap while watching TV together. For sleeping in and waking up to "hi, mama!" and kisses/hugs from my best girl.

I mentioned before how I realize that I might need an adjustment period. For one, by body is SO SORE. I don't know whether it's the acute change (absence of) in activity level, the long travel, or what. But my ankles and hips and shoulders are vying for my attention. And just like my body, my thoughts and feelings probably need some time to assimilate. But the good ole Judge (as my therapist once referred to the part of my that so reflexively defaults to criticism) is back to work like he's even better rested and more quick and energetic after his vacation.  

But I'm disappointed in what a lazy parent I am being. That I can walk 20 miles while carrying a pack, but can't be bothered to get off the bench at the park and push my daughter in the swings for a third time. 

I'm bummed - but not surprised - that many old habits so automatically resurfaced. Picking my face. Grazing in the kitchen. Changing my clothes. I've already returned to the stores, perpetuating my retail consumption with excuses that I "need" new summer clothes and ought to buy rather than make Father's Day cards and gifts. I'm back to my planning, my lists, my fear of forgetting, my mild irritation of household clutter, my self loathing for poor eating choices, my anxiety and guilt when I'm "unjustifiably" apart from my family. Trying to fill something that's not exactly empty. Trying to distract from whatever is right in front of my face. Looking. Planning. Shopping. Searching.

If you had asked me even two weeks ago if I thought the Camino was a big deal or even "life changing," I would have said that was dramatic, that it's just a walk. But now, home again, I recognize the importance of "just a walk" in creating a sense of peace rather than chaos and conflict, and I long for both the physical activity and the simplicity. But now it's a matter of integrating some aspects from the Camino into my "real life," and the day to day joys and demands of being a wife, mother, daughter, homeowner, SLO, neighbor, taxpayer, and friend. The subtle magic might happen in the nothingness of walking 350 km, but the real work is defining just what it was I enjoyed so much about the walking, and then figuring out how to incorporate it into my current life. More exercise. Less stuff (although Target already caught me in its trap). More solitude. More listening to my own body. Less noise. More nature. More sensory awareness and gratitude. Less guilt. More good coffee. Fewer choices. More fresh air and sunshine. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

(Camino) - Home Again

I'm home again. And unemployed. And yesterday feeling anxious about it all. My homecoming was wonderful, both the Bean and the Hubs appeared sincerely excited and joyful to see me. After 29 hours of travel, the two of them standing their with the orange and pink flowers at the PDX airport was a sight for sore eyes.

Francine stayed up late watching Frozen and joined Alex for a late night airport pickup. She was delighted, and hasnt let me out of her sight. She seemed pleased to see Beebee, too. She fell asleep in the car hime, Alex carried her to her bed, the queen mattress newly made in order to acommodate mama. I took a long and strong shower, having not done so in 48 hours. Travel makes me feel filthy. I fell asleep in my own bed in Alexs arms, fending him off from my side of the bed for the rest of the night, as he had taken to sleeping on my side in my absence. 

Alexs last day of work was Monday, so the Bean and I enjoyed our Mama Day together - morning cuddles, puzzles,  playground at the coffee shop, and a park visit for her to show off her new ability to climb into the big kid swing by herself. I felt weird all day, sad even. I chalked it up to jet lag, a missed Zoloft dose, or run of the mill fatigue. But I also remembered returning from Argentina and what a strange transition it was, re-acclimating to home. Like I've had this big experience and everything's different but also everything's the same. The Bean and I snoozed on the couch together and watched part of a movie. And before I knew it Alex was home for the summer, and we celebrated with a walk to the Village for yummy pizza takeout and a cold picnic at Gabriel Park, tire swing and all. 

We slept in again Tuesday, and I brought Francie to daycare pretty late. I returned home to a waffle and champagnes breakfast, the first meal at the table together in I don't know how long. I told Alex about some Camino details, showed some more photos, and we started mapping out another fun summer - camping the Metolious with friends, a Tahoe road trip, Shasta camping, some work at RIO at Legacy Good Sam, a big trip to Michigan with a possible side trip to Chicago, family backpacking, more friend camping, a best friend's wedding, and a beach trip. And hopefully with some swim lessons, local adventures, writing, and house projects in there. Phew!

Although annoyed at myself about being somewhat sad to be home, I'm trying something new. Allowing space for those feelings rather than judging them and trying to shut them down. "Of course!" I'm sad my big, soulful, indecent adventure has come to a close. "Of course!" I'm delighted to see my family. "Of course!" it will be a bit of a transition, including a major change in employment, adjustment post-vacation and post-intense physical activity, and easing into new summer routines. 

So yeah, I'm home again home again joggers jig. I'm ecstatic and feel so incredibly warm with family love. And I'm also sad to not be walking and thinking and slowly taking in the Spanish countryside. 

Hover to Pin

Designed with ♥ by Nudge Media Design