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Wednesday, June 15, 2016

(Camino) - Missing It

While I was in Spain, I wouldnt have anticipated just how much I might miss the Camino upon returning home. I don't miss the albergues or "pilgrim menus" or being separated by a continent + ocean from my family, but I really miss the walking. Like, really, really miss it. I've never felt so capable in a simple, biological, back-to-our-roots sort of way. Thankful for the work my body was doing. For the freedom for my mind to wander. For the mindful awareness of flower colors or coffee taste or body tiredness or cloud shapes or cow shit smells. Well alright, I definitely don't miss the bovine odors. 

I've been home now for a solid three days, having stopped walking six days ago. I have been so enjoying these unscheduled early summer days with my Hubs and Bean. Enjoying my own bed. My own shower. The comfort of my giant sectional couch and falling asleep on Alex's lap while watching TV together. For sleeping in and waking up to "hi, mama!" and kisses/hugs from my best girl.

I mentioned before how I realize that I might need an adjustment period. For one, by body is SO SORE. I don't know whether it's the acute change (absence of) in activity level, the long travel, or what. But my ankles and hips and shoulders are vying for my attention. And just like my body, my thoughts and feelings probably need some time to assimilate. But the good ole Judge (as my therapist once referred to the part of my that so reflexively defaults to criticism) is back to work like he's even better rested and more quick and energetic after his vacation.  

But I'm disappointed in what a lazy parent I am being. That I can walk 20 miles while carrying a pack, but can't be bothered to get off the bench at the park and push my daughter in the swings for a third time. 

I'm bummed - but not surprised - that many old habits so automatically resurfaced. Picking my face. Grazing in the kitchen. Changing my clothes. I've already returned to the stores, perpetuating my retail consumption with excuses that I "need" new summer clothes and ought to buy rather than make Father's Day cards and gifts. I'm back to my planning, my lists, my fear of forgetting, my mild irritation of household clutter, my self loathing for poor eating choices, my anxiety and guilt when I'm "unjustifiably" apart from my family. Trying to fill something that's not exactly empty. Trying to distract from whatever is right in front of my face. Looking. Planning. Shopping. Searching.

If you had asked me even two weeks ago if I thought the Camino was a big deal or even "life changing," I would have said that was dramatic, that it's just a walk. But now, home again, I recognize the importance of "just a walk" in creating a sense of peace rather than chaos and conflict, and I long for both the physical activity and the simplicity. But now it's a matter of integrating some aspects from the Camino into my "real life," and the day to day joys and demands of being a wife, mother, daughter, homeowner, SLO, neighbor, taxpayer, and friend. The subtle magic might happen in the nothingness of walking 350 km, but the real work is defining just what it was I enjoyed so much about the walking, and then figuring out how to incorporate it into my current life. More exercise. Less stuff (although Target already caught me in its trap). More solitude. More listening to my own body. Less noise. More nature. More sensory awareness and gratitude. Less guilt. More good coffee. Fewer choices. More fresh air and sunshine. 

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