Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

I knew with 99.9% of my being that I was PMSing rather than pregnant. The fatigue, the kind that hits like a truck and makes it even harder to get out of bed in the morning. The ever-so-slightly-full-feeling boobs. The mild, subtle muscle aches. The tears while reading a new blog, about a mother and the loss of her 3 year old son. The low-grade GI symptoms. Greasy hair and the beginnings of a breakout. Classic signs of the impending period.

But classic signs of pregnancy, too, right? I mean, I know they are. I've been there before. And I Googled it. Twice. Mood swings. Bloating. Food cravings and aversions. Tiredness. Even cramping.

But still, even though I knew better, I just couldn't help myself. Patience has never been a particular virtue of mine, and no time is it more obvious that when hoping and planning for a baby. I may help teach others about impulse control, but that doesn't mean mine is 110%. So I took the pregnancy test.

Big, fat, negative.

But I took it after hot yoga, when I was so well-hydrated my pee ran clear. Seriously, clear as water. I know morning pee is supposed to be the best. So maybe it was just negative because I didn't use the good pee? Or maybe it was a false negative? Or maybe I looked at it too soon? Or maybe I'm just not pregnant, I know, I know ... but, still, when I woke up this morning I begged Alex to tell me it wasn't crazy to take a test again. He declared it a bit neurotic and a silly waste of money, but to go ahead and pee on the stick if I was so inclined. I deferred to my common senses and sat on the toilet sans-stick. A steady stream of dark yellow pee, wasted. But the funny thing about pregnancy tests is that they don't make you any more pregnant any earlier. No matter what, I'll find out soon if I'm pregnant. I'll either get my period, or I won't. That's a much clearer sign than some "+" or "-". 

The first time around, I blogged about going off birth control, but did little else to make public our attempt at becoming parents. Once I was pregnant, and "out," I then published all the blog posts I'd been writing in the background. No one would ever accuse me of being private, but this time I feel even less inclined to do much by way of keeping our baby-making a secret. Worse case scenarios include fertility issues and miscarriages, which I would likely process in writing and share on this blog anyway.

For the record, I still haven't started my period yet. I'm expecting it tomorrow.  Crossing my fingers, against my better judgment, that maybe there's some extra cellular activity going on in there anyway. Even though I may have been pounding caffeine and taking the occasional recreational Ativan. I know Alex hopes we're not pregnant yet. He so enjoys the "trying" phase. It's only been two months, after all, and I think he worries that if I'm already with-child, his fun is over for the next two years.