Uncle B

Dear Mom,

I miss Brian already, and he hasn't even left Portland yet. Just when I start to get used to having him around, he's on the road again. You would have loved to see him with the Bean. Best.Uncle.Ever. He's so in love with her. He'd make such a great dad himself. Not that he'd ever believe that. He just adores her and stares at her, "she's so fucking cute I can't even handle it." If he was around more, I know she'd be his little homie. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said,"I just want to be able to carry her and do one lap around the house."

Dad seemed so happy to have both his ducklings together for the holiday. He mostly stayed off his soapbox and might have even smiled a few times. And Bri seemed happy to be around, too. He seemed to be really present, not like his mind was already out the door, thinking about his next adventure. Dad is so good about letting us do our own thing, walk our own path. But I know he'd love it even more than I would if Bri settled down in the area, was around more for the day-to-day, mundane, ordinary life stuff. He gets so excited when talking restaurants and job opportunities with Brian.

We went to Larry Wilson's "celebration of life" this afternoon. The last time I saw the Wilson's was at your memorial, actually. I drove the five of us down to Wilsonville in the Volvo with foggy windows, We Are Family singing in my head. Bri was so excited to make a surprise appearance, and the Wilson's seemed genuinely appreciative to have us there. We had to leave a bit before we were ready, because the Bean was pre-meltdown from a delayed nap. She was crying in the back seat on our drive back to West Linn, fighting the sleep she so desperately needed. Brian was sitting in the middle seat, next to her. He told Al, "I get the middle, because you live here." Bri was trying to console Francie, making silly faces and giving her the Soothie. "Oh Bean, you don't need to cry. I'm right here. Shh shh shh. Go nighty-night." I overheard Dad say, "Did you try laying your hand on her chest? That way she'll know you're there." So stinkin' sweet. My heart swells to see these guys with my baby girl. It reminds me, in a way, of how much they love me. And to know that neither of them is what I would describe as comfortable with kids, I melt to see them be so tentatively sweet. I just hope she grows to adore each of them and their eccentricities the way I do.

I had such a good family day. Week, actually. I got three good days in a row of quality time with my hubby, father, brother, and baby girl. I wish you were here, too, of course. But that goes without saying. Bri said a number of times how grateful he was for his family, and especially for the support to see him through a very difficult past year. He thanked us/me for being there for him, for "saving his life" after his accident. I don't know that I can take any credit for his recovery, but I do know how fucking relieved I am that I still have my same ole big brother around - talking shit, doling out hugs, and sharing the B-Love. One day I hope he truly knows how smart, talented, loyal, funny, handsome, and loving he is. He deserves a good life, and I hope he gets whatever it is he always seems to be looking for.

I started to decorate for Christmas today, and turned on the "rocking holiday" Pandora station. Wish you were here help me celebrate our first Christmas in our new home. I wish you could help me figure out where to put the tree, and to make a tree skirt out of some scrap red and green plaid fabric. I wish we could talk about what the hot items are on people's wish list this year. I would have even considered shopping on Black Friday, if it was with you. I'm missing you today, in part because of Larry's memorial service, but mostly because I'm feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for quality family time, and wishing that you were here to enjoy it, too. And also because you'd be so proud of who Brian has become, the way I'm proud, and that he's such a survivor, the way you were. We are so lucky that he is still himself. Now if I can only convince him he needs to come back for Christmas. To watch the Bean open her presents, even if it's just tissue paper in a bag. I need to have my brother around more often. And I think he needs me, too. Maybe you can tell him? MmkthanksIloveyousomostarooni.

xoxo,
J