Published

While I am pleased to have been published on the scary mommy website on Tuesday, I am also struck by some unexpected self-consciousness, in part because I also shared a link to the article on Facebook.  I mean, getting paid to write (a hundred bucks isn't much, but it is a $100 more dollars than I had before) is what I want to do. But actually doing it, and faring the experience, is a different story.

For starters, I was surprised by my response to the several positive comments on the scarymommy.com website - I'm not easily flattered, nor do I typically put a lot of stock in others' positive nor negative views of me. Or so I thought. I found myself more pleased and validated with commenters' notes about my story being relatable than I would have imagined. I kind of blushed, felt a warm rush, and gave myself a hypothetical pat on the back. And then I read a comment that was more critical in tone, condemning my depiction of the "one and doners." Instantly I had anxious butterflies in my stomach, re-read my words, and wanted to defend and explain myself to the reader.

And then there were the supportive and encouraging comments from friends/acquaintances on Facebook, which made me feel simultaneously pleased and uncomfortable. Let's just say I know that I would make a terrible celebrity, my nerves wrecked by the constant barrage of criticisms and opinions and pedestals to stand on.

I do feel somewhat proud of myself for going after what I want, despite the few failures and rejections I've already encountered. I mean, it's a start, right? Just because The Atlantic or NYT or Slate don't want me - yet - doesn't mean that it is not on the horizon. A girl can dream, can't she? I'm just barely getting comfortable allowing myself to dream. But, it's a start. Both for the dreaming and the writing.