Sleep Training USA

I'm writing this while laying on the floor in the nursery, the Bean next to me, babbling and grunting and squawking and screeching, and fish-hooking her little night-monster fingers in my nose and mouth. By the way, she can pull kinda hard - hair, earlobes, nostrils, lips, you name it. It's not time to be awake, of course, so I'm doing my best to ignore her and send her the message that it's still supposed to be sleep time, although neither of us is sleeping.

This is night six of transitioning her from co-sleeping in our bed to her own crib in the nursery just next to our room. It seems to me this baby needs less sleep than I do.

As I've said numerous times before, I take issue with the whole "train your kid to sleep" thing - we don't really "train" our kids to eat or crawl or walk, why are we "training" them to sleep? Which brings about my next question, when do they learn to sleep on their own? If left to their own devices, when do they naturally start putting themselves back to sleep during those waking episodes? Or, do they at some point eventually need parental interference no matter what? I always think to myself, "how did the pilgrims/natives/aboriginals/vikings do it?"

I've spent 4 months resisting the whole cry-it-out approach, and had not yet picked up the number one book recommendation of my peers, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. But chronic sleep-deprivation began taking its toll on me in ways I consider unacceptable - impatience, irritability, lack of joy - which were influencing my abilities to be a good mama during the day. Turns out Dr. W isn't the devil I wanted him to be - he's not even the opposite of Dr. Sears, as I had previously assumed. He does not present a one-size-fits-all approach to sleep training. He recognizes that all babies and all families differ, and highlights a number of possible sleep problems and a number of potential solutions, like a buffet table of sleep training. He suggests cry-it-out, controlled crying, and no crying sleep solutions.

Which brings me to yet another semantic issue - why don't we just call it "fuss it out?" When I get to talking details of sleep training with fellow sleep-deprived parents, it appears that most did not do the full-on, balls-to-the-wall, purple-cry-turns-hyperventilate,  choke-on-your-vomit, cry-it-out approach. Which is what I imagine most of us (the uneducated and inexperienced) imagine when we hear this term. Ignoring a fuss is one thing, ignoring a cry is another. They both have their time and place, the latter requires more education and planning - and desperation. Our problem isn't that the Bean is a bad sleeper, per se, it's that she's bad at staying asleep. Our problem is night-waking. Our little Bean goes down for bed without much trouble, she takes mostly regular naps without complaint, she's not fussy during the day ... but hot damn does she wake up during the night. She.Just.Wants.To.Nurse. Constantly.

I, for several months, have avoided the hyper-structured, over-scheduled, super-anal parenting style. I'm more the of nouveau parenting that Dr. W describes at one point in his book:
"I am aware that the practice of toting your baby along with you on every occasion is the new social occasion. No doubt it stems from the "me" generations' philosophy that a baby should not be allowed to interfere with your lifestyle" (p. 38).
And now that I've been called out on it like this, I feel a little bit ashamed. It's true, Alex and I have prided ourselves on "how little our lives have changed since having a baby." But in some ways that's a crock of shit. First of all, our lives have (mostly) improved tenfold, in ways I could have never imagined. But also, it was only the first three months where we could tote the Bean all over the planet and she would sleep and nurse any and every where. But now, she requires a lot more goading (bouncing, rocking, walking, talking, playing, etc) just to eat an early dinner out.

So to all those parents who we pre-judged - for rushing home when your child rubbed its eyes for the first time, for requesting to meet for brunch at the ungodly hour of 8 a.m., for complaining about not leaving the house during the day, for getting a sitter to go out to dinner, for worrying about when your kid falls asleep in the carseat ...

I get it. I totally get it. I think.


My conclusions about sleep training thus far, from what I've read, not actually seen in practice -
1. It starts with a predictable bedtime routine.
2. Earlier bedtime. Even if you think it's early, it can probably still be earlier.
3. Baby sleep begets baby sleep.
4. All humans wake up between their sleep cycles, the trick is figuring out how to get your baby to transition between these cycles without needing help.
5. Naps are important. And they are what most people seem to have the most trouble with.


Here's a step-by-step approach to the Closeman Sleep Training Regimen, as in what we've done the past week:
1. Continue with regular evening routine: dinner, walk, (maybe) bath, diaper change and PJ's, maybe a story or a daddy guitar concert, nurse to sleep.
2. Now place baby in crib, holding her hands, patting her butt, or jiggling her until you're sure she's really asleep.
3. Every 15 to 75 minutes, when you hear a series of squawks, wait it out a few to see if they escalate or disappear. If the volume, frequency or sense of urgency increases, tiptoe to the nursery, place your hands on baby, hold her hands still, butt pat, or jiggle until you're damn sure she's really asleep.
4. Repeat anywhere from 2 to 9 times per night.
5. Don't lose your shit. Or your mind. Everyone says it will get better.
6. Obsessively consult Dr. Google for online resources and forums about sleep. Pore over other mom's stories about sleep training, consider trialling all the crazy solutions recommended - change sheets to flannel only, feed egg yolk right before bed ...
7. Fear falling back asleep, for you will we awoken at the very moment your body releases that final muscle contraction.
8. Repeat steps 1 through 7 until you can't take it anymore, then order yet another "sleep solution" book on Amazon.com and pay for speedy delivery.
9. Track your attempts (progress?).

*****
The Bean never fails to surprise me. Out of nowhere, her frenetic, kinetic energy calms. She ceases her rapid bicycle kicks. She stops pulling the soothie out of her own mouth (it's as though she has no control over her limbs - she pulls he soothie out, cries then puts it back in; repeat). She places her arms behind her head, closes her eyes, and just starts to fall asleep. Without nursing. Without butt pats or belly jiggles. Without walking or rocking or cuddling. Without her Soothie! So maybe the crib is the problem after all, since she just put herself peacefully to sleep on the floor. Guess she's a Hartman after all! (We can sleep anywhere, but mostly in ghetto, subpar arrangements such as noisy hostels, on dilapidated couches, in too small beds).